This is my first blog post since completing teacher training. I have been reeling and unclear about what is happening to me – I have been using the phrase “I feel like I’m spinning”, quite frequently. It’s as if there is this upheaval happening and I’m just along for the ride.
Recently, I met with Keleigh to have an astrology reading performed. I went into the reading blind, hoping for some new insights into this personality I am currently wearing. The reading was more detailed that I could have ever imagined. Keleigh was speaking of things that I had never consciously acknowledged about myself and my “story”.
When I was a very young child, I encountered a truth about my parents’, which would forever alter my way of living. The truth that was discovered by myself and my brother was put in our vaults, never to be acknowledged. My parents didn’t know that we knew. Life continued in its manic patterns until one day, when we were old enough to consume alcohol, the emotions and the truth exploded in our faces. It was as if this beast was dormant, lying in wait for the moment to burst forth.
Despite the ultimate revelation, there were years of suppression and habits developed around the suppression of emotions, which have been slowly rising into my consciousness during the past 5 years. Coincidentally, the past 5 years have been spent mourning the loss of my father. This grieving process has allowed me to cry A LOT, to feel anger and uncertainty in harsh acuity. However, lately I have felt an acceptance and a closure around my father’s death, which has brought relief around that emotional hurdle. So this latest “spinning” must have to do with a deeper unearthing.
In the past year, I have dug deeper into uncoveringmy truth The digging has opened me to the realization that there is more of my story that needs to be “let go.” Talking with Michelle several months ago she said something that really struck a chord – I am versed in the art of accepting those things of which I have to let go involuntarily. But those elements of my life story, where I have to exercise a voluntary letting go, are the areas where I freeze and back-pedal. Falling back on old habits and coping mechanisms, so that the beast can remain asleep. I have been terrified to face what I never faced as a child.
I also found out that, much to my dismay, I have Mommy & Daddy issues. I have been living under this delusion that I had the best parents ever, which is mostly true. I was never for want – food, clothes, home, sports, academics. Check, check, check. My life was dependent on them loving me. So, as long as I didn’t rock the boat, I would have all of the things I needed to survive in the life that had been created for me. But what has evaded me all of these years is that my parents were also just human – capable of self-hatred and acting based on that self-hatred. This has been my work thus far – un-doing self-hatred.
Another aspect of my recent upheaval, is the unconditional self-love for all of my “characters”. My dark sides have been shoved aside and unacknowledged, because they don’t meet the expectations of society. My road rage, capacity to cuss people out, use of alcohol and marijuana to quiet my thoughts and feelings. I am slowly owning these parts of me and seeing them for what they are – part of the big puzzle, some of which are truth and others are conditioning. Herein lies the next challenge of awareness – discerning truth from the story.
There is a big change happening in my inner world – an overwhelming feeling of heat building, ready to burn the old city into ruins. The emotions associated with this old city include shame, control, sadness, anger, uncertainty and fear – let’s start the ignition.