Creating awareness around the back of my heart, to the neglected vertebrae of my thoracic spine, to the sinking of my front chest, has made me feel scared, worried, panicky, sad and insecure. I have had flashbacks to my horrifying days in junior high, when I was ridiculed for not having any boobs. When my chest puffed up in my exercises, I remembered having to hide my chest (or lack thereof) – never a low cut top or sticking my chest out; dressing like and playing like a boy to fit the body I was given. I will never forget the time in high school, when a boy I liked, who was also a friend, called me a lesbian. He had thought this was a funny joke, because I was an athlete. I absolutely broke down crying – I am feminine and I like boys!! – I wanted to scream.
Eventually, I hit puberty and, until Sunday, thought I had moved on from these tumultuous teen emotions. Yet, 15 minutes of laying on a double-tennis ball, allowing my heart to lift, cracked me open a bit, and let out some darkness.
I am postulating, that the block in my heart chakra stopped the energetic flow of my my third chakra (solar plexus), which has created the dis-ease in this region: acid reflux, burps, caffeine and sugar addiction. If I can open my heart chakra, allow the free flow up and out of this area, not only will my third chakra simmer down, but my 5th chakra (throat chakra) can connect downward more freely, thereby, finding the Truth in my voice.
Sometimes it feels like there are so many things to work with that I don’t know where to begin. However, I am realizing that these deep seeded memories, patterns and habits that have created the story of Me, need to be seen and left in their place. They don’t need to be manipulated and obsessed over – recognize that story, cry with compassion for that young, scared, insecure girl. But, then, look in the mirror and see the Me of the present.